Course helps Armed Forces couples cope with separation

Earlier this year, Chief of the General Staff General Sir Richard Dannatt spoke aloud the murmurs of many - that the stress of deployment is reaping a profound toll on Service marriages. In a recent speech in which he acknowledged the impact of lengthy separation on relationships, he said:

"Many families and marriages have unfortunately fallen victim to the relentless pace of operations. We have seriously stretched our soldiers - both their goodwill and their families."

This rise in the number of divorces has been enough to jolt the Army into restructuring - with an additional decree that soldiers will have 30 months between tours to spend more time at home. Yet for those already trapped in the bickering nightmare of an unhappy relationship there is a glimmer of hope in the form of a little known service called The Marriage Course.

Originally devised by a vicar and his wife back in 1996, the course can be held anywhere from churches to homes, and has been especially adapted for Service families by Major Rhett Parkinson (Royal Engineers) and Liesel, his wife of 15 years.

The couple, who have three children and live in Paderborn, Germany, have often endured long periods of separation and decided to run their own course after watching friends go through similar difficulties only to finally end up in the divorce courts:

"We started holding The Marriage Course in Hohne in 2004 and very quickly people were asking specific questions about practical ways of dealing with separation," said Maj Parkinson.

"It's all very well telling people to communicate effectively but when you are apart for six months it's difficult. You don't get married to be apart but in the Army you have to get on with it. It is part of life - there is a sense of inevitability about it."

Eventually coming up with an additional subject - called dealing with involuntary separation - the Parkinsons have had increasing numbers of people turn up to their programme, which consists of seven 'dinner dates'.

These focus on the couples meeting up to have a meal and discuss issues on a certain topic. There is no group work and the emphasis is on airing deep-rooted issues in a safe and controlled environment:

"When they are talking we turn up the music so they have to lean together to talk more intimately," explained Liesel.

"They know they are in public so they can't have that blazing row they might have got into the habit of having when they are on their own.

"We do get very good feedback and if the problem can't be solved on the course we always point them towards professional services."

The Parkinsons themselves have dealt with repeated tours of Bosnia and Iraq and more than 15 house moves in as many years. Yet when apart they rely on the support of friends and colleagues and ensure they send regular emails and pick up the phone to bridge the miles:

"There is always a sense of real loss and guilt when I leave Liesel and the kids behind as I'm literally stepping out of their lives for quite a few months," said Rhett.

"It's strange, but when you come back home on R&R it's like being on holiday and is very nice, but at the same time there's a part of my mind that's thinking about the guys that are still out there getting on with the job and I then feel guilty for not being there."

This feeling of divided loyalties is common among returning soldiers, as is their difficulty in fitting back into the day-to-day routine of family life according to Relate counsellor Denise Knowles:

"It's hard for soldiers to reintegrate when they come back and it's the same for the wife and children - they have had very different experiences," she said.

"Once the soldier gets over that initial euphoria of being safe and at home, they still have to get on with the normal nitty-gritty of life and that can be the difficult part.

"Looking after the children, cleaning and ironing - these tasks still need to be done and they can feel as though they have been away all this time and their partner is not putting aside enough time for them."

She explained that Army wives can often become more independent following their partner's deployment as they have had to cope on their own, which can lead to the soldier feeling as though he is no longer needed.

Adding that both partners will inevitably feel sad at the separation, she said that uncertainty and the reality of war can also cause severe anxiety on the part of the person left behind:

"Most partners say goodbye to their husband every morning and expect to see them every evening," said Denise.

"For Army wives there is an expectation they will see them in six months' time but they really don't know because there are so many other factors involved."

Yet the high profile acknowledgement of the widening gulfs in Service marriages by Gen Dannatt and the Army as a whole could go a long way towards encouraging soldiers to seek help, where previously they may have viewed it as a personal weakness and kept the problem bottled up inside.

If both partners want the marriage to work and can acknowledge their problems openly with each other, there is a chance to secure long-lasting happiness. Denise's advice includes discussing feelings to ensure couples are both on the same wavelength, and then doing something about it like visiting Relate or military welfare services.

In Germany, Relate sessions are free and in England there is no charge for the first meeting:

"It's about saying to themselves that if they are upset and want to do something about it then go and seek help," added Denise.

"Sometimes couples in the Services think this is what they signed up for - but it certainly isn't and they don't have to settle for it. Go and seek help."

Navy wife and American psychologist Kathleen Vestan Logan has identified seven emotional stages of deployment, which form the basis of the Parkinson's dealing with involuntary separation sessions:

1 - Anticipation of loss

This typically occurs four to six weeks before the partner leaves and is marked by increasing tension.

2 - Detachment and withdrawal

Final days before departure. Couples feel as though they should be enjoying their last days together but feel despair - they want to get on with the leaving part.

3 - Emotional disorganisation

First six weeks after departure. An initial sense of relief is replaced by guilt, numbness, aimlessness and loss of purpose for one left behind. Deployed partner feels loneliness and frustration.

4 - Recovery and stabilisation

Partner at home starts to cope and adopts the role of 'single spouse'. Stress levels drop.

5 - Anticipation of homecoming

Six weeks before return. Mixture of emotions - apprehension or excitement. The soldier may be worried about whether they will be accepted back and will feel restless and confused.

6 - Renegotiation of marriage

Six weeks after reunion. Couples are physically but not emotionally together. The one who was left behind may feel a loss of freedom, disorganised and out of control. Sex may seem frightening. Couples need to spend time together before they can expect intimacy.

7 - Reintegration and stabilisation

Up to 12 weeks later - new routines established and spouses feel relaxed and comfortable again.

This article first appeared in the June 2009 issue of Soldier - Magazine of the British Army.